2.21 - Voice + Spam

[breakingmyheart]

[Library & Kitchen Filters]

I've been unpaired from Jesse. I still plan on keeping both my jobs. If that's alright.

[Even though she kind of hates both of them, it's marginally better than having nothing to do all day.]

[Private to Megamind]

...I can help. With the project you were talking about.

[Open Spam - Deck]

[So it's been a fortnight. The breach was - well - things happened. She's been through her most grotesquely violent death toll to date. And then she got off the Barge in LA and stole from a cashpoint for the express purpose of buying drugs, which - didn't happen, in the end.

Small mercies. She might not have been feeling any worse for having succeeded but deep down she knows the better would be very, very fleeting.

And then the Admiral separated her from Jesse. Or Jesse asked to be unpaired. She doesn't know. He said he didn't, she'd like to believe him, but she wouldn't really blame him for spotting a lost cause either. Megamind called her a model Inmate not so long ago but it doesn't feel like she was modelling anything except peaceful noncompliance.

She doesn't often break the library -> kitchen -> (gym) -> shower -> sleep cycle but she needs some time and fresh air to decompress and so after the dinner shift she's out on deck, sitting on a bench and somewhat reading a book but not really paying attention to it.]

Comments

Private

[breakingmyheart]

I will.

[There's a pause.]

...and I should say thank you, for what you did in port. Now everything's calmed down a bit.

Private

[megamind]

You mean for losing my temper, breaking some guy's collarbone and being a huge jerk? No thanks needed. I could have-- handled that better.

[ He's had time away from the moment, and that... well. It's a thing he's been thinking about. ]

Oh, and my boyfriend arriving completely snockered mid-conversation. He can apologize for that. If you can trick him into it. Maybe. But-- look, I was a jerk, I went overboard and I know why but it's--

I should get a grip before I do something stupid. You don't need me to bully you, and I should stop looking for fights.

Private

[breakingmyheart]

I'm not disagreeing with any of that. How you did it was awful. That you did it -

Someone needed to stop me. I'm glad that you did.

Thank you.

Private

[megamind]

...well, you're welcome.

It's weird, now. Able to remember, what it feels like. I mean, it's another person's damage and he'll be evicted soon, but-- it's not like I can't-- remember.

[ It's just awkward and confusing and leads to unhappiness and fugue states. ]

I can get why you'd want to. Especially on the barge. But I'm-- glad you're not.

Private

[breakingmyheart]

I think part of me is always going to want to, when the going gets tough. It's just something I have to...manage.

[And a large part of her doesn't want to ask, but:]

Is there anything leftover from that conversation Edward finished that we still need to talk about?

Private

[megamind]

[ The problem with having the inability to forget is that it takes a very long while for things to lose their emotional impact. To think back, and be in that moment again. ]

We did-- say there was more, didn't we?

[ He put it aside, though. For a time. Boxed it up and buried it in the furthermost corners and soaked up Edward's affection, Chris's joy, and centered himself around those as he could. And for days, its worked. It's what's keeping him balanced now, thinking about days and nights. ]

I'm still not real sure how to -- say things, honestly. I -- admit, I let myself focus on happy things on port as I could, and been riding pretty high on that.

[ He pinches the bridge of his nose, considering. He thinks about Edward and Tosh and how much giving they both need. ]

All I really want is for you to find what make you happy, Toshiko. To find it and run with i and get the hell off this boat. Because I'm pretty sure that you're better than this place and everybody on it. You just-- need to remember it, and I have no idea what you can do to do that.

I just--

I want you to be happy, Tosh.

That's all.

Private

[breakingmyheart]

[There's a 'has possibly hung up'-length silence.]

You know what I want to say to that. But I'm not going to.

Private

[megamind]

[ There is some serious hand-wringing going on. ]

I-- I have an idea.

I don't want you to-- be happy for--warden inmate reasons.

I want you to be happy because-- [ because all the obvious fucking reasons; he loves her, she deserves it, she should have everything she wants an then some ]-- because, okay, I got a million reasons.

So can we-- take this a day at a time? I have [ Edward, Chris, a family he's cobbled together on the barge, and he's relatively happy here, and he remembers saying once that when you're content and happy on the barge this means something is wrong, because the barge should never, ever be better than the home you want to go back to. ] a lot going on but I still...

I still want to make time for you, be-- here with you.

[ Maybe not as lovers; oh God, he needs to sit down with Edward and his bundle of insecurities and hash things out. But friends, boon companions, something. ]

If that doesn't read as a completely selfish, jerk thing to do. It might. I don't even know anymore. Every time I think I understand human relationships I-- [ screw it up; he swallows that, changes it to a less self-blaming ] finding out there's so much more to learn.

Private

[breakingmyheart]

I'm not asking for anything, Megamind. We can do whatever you want.

It's not selfish to want things to work out.

Private

[megamind]

You know it's okay to ask for things you want? Or to have wants that don't line up with mine? Or Edward's, or anyone else's. I know that's hard. That's why Chris has a big new stereo and a car now, because he wants but he can't ask. So I have to work to figure out if he really doesn't care, or if he just-- wants it but can't allow himself to look weak.

Pretty sure you're... not worried about looking weak, Toshiko. But you don't allow yourself much... and honestly, I'm glad you went and bought the laptop.

[ Because she needs to let herself have pleasures, let herself enjoy her life, or there'll be no reason to live it. To want it back. ]

Maybe-- I shouldn't be so happy about the model inmate thing, huh?

Break a few rules. Enjoy being just bad enough. And let yourself want. As a friend to a friend? It's okay to go after what you want, and to want it at all.

Private

[breakingmyheart]

[She has to fight the urge to hang up. Because he's so bloody blind and it is honestly, acutely, punch-in-the-jaw painful to be told it's okay to want things when the thing she's wanted for months is in a relationship with someone else and offering to 'make time' for her like being her friend is some sort of fucking community service -

She wants to scream. She feels it again, a trace of that same frustration that took her over so completely when she took the ship. The need to do something, anything to blot it out.

But he doesn't know. And he's trying. And he already takes responsibility for far too much. So there's evenness to her voice, and even though she feels angry and incredibly condescended to and hopelessly lonely, there's not an inch of it in her tone.]

I know. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I should go. I've got work.

Private

[megamind]

Except--

[ She's lying again, he just can't fathom what she's hiding. He is blind, because he cannot understand why anyone would be hung up on a hundred pound bobble-head. These days he's just preparing himself for Chris's graduation and eventual departure from his life, and Edward being the rinse and repeat. ]

[ Then he'll get his deal and look at the idea of doing this two or three more times, give up, cash out and then go home and Roxanne will... maybe be there waiting for him. If he's not so changed by the barge that she doesn't recognize what she came to love in him. ]



But-- alright. I'll see you... later.

Private

[breakingmyheart]

We'll catch up tomorrow. You have a good night.

Tell Edward I said hello.

[Aaand then she's gone.]