2.14 - Voice

[breakingmyheart]

[Posted about two hours after Megamind's post.]

[Seconds before transmission, almost everything is reset. The lost areas and items reappear, the above-decks areas are restored in their entirety, and the 'space' and sunlight around the ship come back. Zero is returned to normal and anyone teleported down there is automatically released. Anyone who has had their powers or weapons temporarily removed will get them back. Auto-demoted Wardens regain their previous status and everything associated with it.

The loose panels are still around. For some reason, it's raining lightly on deck. A few random bits of furniture in the common rooms have changed colour.

The voice of the 'Admiral' comes from Toshiko's network signature, quiet and tired.]

I don't stand by everything I said, but I don't hold myself above any of it. Anyone who wants to call me a hypocrite, a coward, a sadist, a weakling…

[The feed shifts. Tosh's voice. Hi, Barge.]

I know. I just - I know.

I need…time. To end this without doing any more damage. Tomorrow I'm going to come out. I'm not - I'm not going to fight. I'm not going to defend myself in any way.

[There is a background interjection from Megamind: But I will!

Tosh is quiet for a moment, probably pulling a face at him.]

...Whatever's decided, I'll....go along with it.

Comments

private

[ukan]

[She could have, if the Admiral is as powerful as he says. But she hadn't.]

What were you staying for?

private

[breakingmyheart]

My third deal. It should have been my second. The life of a friend.

private

[ukan]

I can understand that. If I become a Warden, maybe I'll... mm.

Was that what you were trying to get, with the Barge...? [With taking over, he means. Because if the Admiral can bring the dead back surely Toshiko must have assumed she could too.]

private

[breakingmyheart]

No.

I wasn't trying anything. Until a few days ago I wasn't aware I had done anything.

private

[ukan]

[Well that had to have been the worst wake-up call. Ever.]

Then...how did you end up in such a mess?

private

[breakingmyheart]

Like you said, it was...disorienting. Like waking up to find you're handcuffed to the wheel of a car doing twice the speed limit and you've forgotten how to drive.

[Also the car has a couple hundred other people in it, and you're already nurturing a death wish.]

private

[ukan]

But when you woke up, you gave up the control. Didn't you?

[He's wondering if she has a timeline, if she can even piece one together or if she doesn't know everything that had happened.]

private

[breakingmyheart]

No. I realised I was in control three days ago.

Don't ask me why I took so long to give it up. I don't know.

[Rather, it's impossible to put it all into a coherent sentence - the frustration, the anger, the horror, the fear that she wouldn't get demoted. And besides, a bunch of people have already presented their own explanations so he can just pick one, right?]

private

[ukan]

[To him it sounds like waking up in a car crash. Shock, maybe, kept her from acting...who can say?]

Then what was the deciding factor for you? At what point did you give it up?

private

[breakingmyheart]

I don't know.

[It wasn't Megamind. His contribution was that she's likely going to surrender into protective custody and not to a lynch mob.]

There wasn't a moment or a revelation or anything like that. It was just...too much. I'm afraid that trying to let go will make things worse, but compared to the damage I've done anyway...

Nobody disagrees that it's worth the risk.

private

[ukan]

[He frowns softly, rubs his jaw.]

Do you mean you haven't' completely let go now? Or was that what was going through your mind on the bridge...?

Re: private

[breakingmyheart]

I've never seen the bridge.

[However, at the time of this conversation she's still in the engine room.]

I'm still working on disengaging. I don't know how I did this in the first place, so I can't just work backwards.

private

[ukan]

In case this ever happens again, to you or to someone else...well, taking notes might be a good idea.

private

[breakingmyheart]

I am.

private

[ukan]

Are you going to make them public domain?

private

[breakingmyheart]

No.

I can't guarantee that this process can't be reverse-engineered to do the same thing I did.

private

[ukan]

I'm glad to hear that. But I do worry what some people will do to get that information.

private

[breakingmyheart]

I don't. The risk to the ship outweighs the risk to me.

private

[ukan]

But we have telepaths, magicians. People trained to get information.

private

[breakingmyheart]

Then I'm not going to make it easier for them to screw up like I did.

private

[ukan]

Just keep an eye out. If you think someone might be after the information, do you have someone who will help protect it?

private

[breakingmyheart]

The only thing that would be completely safe would be to have a telepath remove those memories from my head completely.

[Which she's reluctant to do, because having her memories messed around is a subject wrapped up in past trauma.]

private

[ukan]

That's...unethical. [To say the least.] As painful as it must be I'd rather you go on remembering everything you've done. I mean all of it, not just--this.

private

[breakingmyheart]

So would I.