breakingmyheart | 2.21 - Voice + Spam

[Library & Kitchen Filters]

I've been unpaired from Jesse. I still plan on keeping both my jobs. If that's alright.

[Even though she kind of hates both of them, it's marginally better than having nothing to do all day.]

[Private to Megamind]

...I can help. With the project you were talking about.

[Open Spam - Deck]

[So it's been a fortnight. The breach was - well - things happened. She's been through her most grotesquely violent death toll to date. And then she got off the Barge in LA and stole from a cashpoint for the express purpose of buying drugs, which - didn't happen, in the end.

Small mercies. She might not have been feeling any worse for having succeeded but deep down she knows the better would be very, very fleeting.

And then the Admiral separated her from Jesse. Or Jesse asked to be unpaired. She doesn't know. He said he didn't, she'd like to believe him, but she wouldn't really blame him for spotting a lost cause either. Megamind called her a model Inmate not so long ago but it doesn't feel like she was modelling anything except peaceful noncompliance.

She doesn't often break the library -> kitchen -> (gym) -> shower -> sleep cycle but she needs some time and fresh air to decompress and so after the dinner shift she's out on deck, sitting on a bench and somewhat reading a book but not really paying attention to it.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm not asking for anything, Megamind. We can do whatever you want.

It's not selfish to want things to work out.

You know it's okay to ask for things you want? Or to have wants that don't line up with mine? Or Edward's, or anyone else's. I know that's hard. That's why Chris has a big new stereo and a car now, because he wants but he can't ask. So I have to work to figure out if he really doesn't care, or if he just-- wants it but can't allow himself to look weak.

Pretty sure you're... not worried about looking weak, Toshiko. But you don't allow yourself much... and honestly, I'm glad you went and bought the laptop.

[ Because she needs to let herself have pleasures, let herself enjoy her life, or there'll be no reason to live it. To want it back. ]

Maybe-- I shouldn't be so happy about the model inmate thing, huh?

Break a few rules. Enjoy being just bad enough. And let yourself want. As a friend to a friend? It's okay to go after what you want, and to want it at all.

[She has to fight the urge to hang up. Because he's so bloody blind and it is honestly, acutely, punch-in-the-jaw painful to be told it's okay to want things when the thing she's wanted for months is in a relationship with someone else and offering to 'make time' for her like being her friend is some sort of fucking community service -

She wants to scream. She feels it again, a trace of that same frustration that took her over so completely when she took the ship. The need to do something, anything to blot it out.

But he doesn't know. And he's trying. And he already takes responsibility for far too much. So there's evenness to her voice, and even though she feels angry and incredibly condescended to and hopelessly lonely, there's not an inch of it in her tone.]

I know. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I should go. I've got work.

Except--

[ She's lying again, he just can't fathom what she's hiding. He is blind, because he cannot understand why anyone would be hung up on a hundred pound bobble-head. These days he's just preparing himself for Chris's graduation and eventual departure from his life, and Edward being the rinse and repeat. ]

[ Then he'll get his deal and look at the idea of doing this two or three more times, give up, cash out and then go home and Roxanne will... maybe be there waiting for him. If he's not so changed by the barge that she doesn't recognize what she came to love in him. ]

But-- alright. I'll see you... later.

We'll catch up tomorrow. You have a good night.

Tell Edward I said hello.

[Aaand then she's gone.]