breakingmyheart (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
breakingmyheart) wrote2013-08-01 01:43 am
breakingmyheart) wrote2013-08-01 01:43 am
2.21 - Voice + Spam
[Library & Kitchen Filters]
I've been unpaired from Jesse. I still plan on keeping both my jobs. If that's alright.
[Even though she kind of hates both of them, it's marginally better than having nothing to do all day.]
[Private to Megamind]
...I can help. With the project you were talking about.
[Open Spam - Deck]
[So it's been a fortnight. The breach was - well - things happened. She's been through her most grotesquely violent death toll to date. And then she got off the Barge in LA and stole from a cashpoint for the express purpose of buying drugs, which - didn't happen, in the end.
Small mercies. She might not have been feeling any worse for having succeeded but deep down she knows the better would be very, very fleeting.
And then the Admiral separated her from Jesse. Or Jesse asked to be unpaired. She doesn't know. He said he didn't, she'd like to believe him, but she wouldn't really blame him for spotting a lost cause either. Megamind called her a model Inmate not so long ago but it doesn't feel like she was modelling anything except peaceful noncompliance.
She doesn't often break the library -> kitchen -> (gym) -> shower -> sleep cycle but she needs some time and fresh air to decompress and so after the dinner shift she's out on deck, sitting on a bench and somewhat reading a book but not really paying attention to it.]
I've been unpaired from Jesse. I still plan on keeping both my jobs. If that's alright.
[Even though she kind of hates both of them, it's marginally better than having nothing to do all day.]
[Private to Megamind]
...I can help. With the project you were talking about.
[Open Spam - Deck]
[So it's been a fortnight. The breach was - well - things happened. She's been through her most grotesquely violent death toll to date. And then she got off the Barge in LA and stole from a cashpoint for the express purpose of buying drugs, which - didn't happen, in the end.
Small mercies. She might not have been feeling any worse for having succeeded but deep down she knows the better would be very, very fleeting.
And then the Admiral separated her from Jesse. Or Jesse asked to be unpaired. She doesn't know. He said he didn't, she'd like to believe him, but she wouldn't really blame him for spotting a lost cause either. Megamind called her a model Inmate not so long ago but it doesn't feel like she was modelling anything except peaceful noncompliance.
She doesn't often break the library -> kitchen -> (gym) -> shower -> sleep cycle but she needs some time and fresh air to decompress and so after the dinner shift she's out on deck, sitting on a bench and somewhat reading a book but not really paying attention to it.]
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I did.
I tortured my baby sister, in my world. She was fourteen. She was the only person who had tried to be kind to me in years. I was the closest thing to a functional parent she ever had. I hurt her and then I killed her.
[It's not bland, it's not flat, but it's not terribly emotional either. It's a solemn, if partial, recital of charges. She's making something like an offering of it. Everyone knows Tosh's guilt; Anya gives a little of her own in return. And by certain harsh standards of justice - an eye for an eye, torture for torture - yes, she deserves it. It's a brutal system, but fundamentally a fair one.]
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Eventually she looks away, into the dark.]
...I was tortured during a flood last month. I only told my Warden. What was done to me doesn't change what I did to you and the others, and what I did to you doesn't change what you did to your sister. It's just...
[A horrible, repetitious cycle. She shakes her head helplessly.]
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[A sympathetic sorry, not a culpable one, blunt and yet sincere.]
But for me...it didn't change what I'd done, but it changed me. I already felt guilty, but not enough to really stop blaming her, or my situation, or...anything except admitting that it was on me.
When I was down there, I heard her screaming. Reliving what I'd done to her was part of what you did to me, right next to burning alive. And that part I brought on myself, and there wasn't any way left not to face that. The connection was obvious and inescapable. And yet...if being confronted with the harm I'd done made me suffer enough to qualify as torture, then. Then it was like proof that I wasn't too callous, that I wasn't irredeemable.
It...bizarre as it sounds, it gave me hope.
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That's...
[It actually makes perfect sense.]
That doesn't sound bizarre. I understand.
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It was still an awful thing, and it always will be, always will have been. And I can't speak for anyone but me. I'm not, like, glad it happened. But I'm okay, maybe better, for having come through it. And for what it's worth, just for me, I forgive you.
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[It's more than anyone else has said to her. She feels her eyes prickling with tears and looks away because God, how embarrassing.]
It's worth a lot.
[More than she can quantify, really.]
Thank you, Anya.
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[She doesn't think it's embarrassing - she'd cry too, if her own Wanda were around to forgive her - but she gazes at her hands in her lap, gives Tosh the small privacy of averting her gaze while she controls herself.]
If I think about it, some of the people I love most in my life right now, I don't think I ever would have trusted or gotten so close to if they hadn't helped me in that moment. I'm grateful for that. Mostly, you know, to them. But still.
I'm not saying, like, 'bad things happen for a reason' or any philosophical crap like that. Just...yeah, it was bad. Scarier than most of the stuff that happens here, because we didn't know if it would end or how to protect ourselves. But it wasn't any purer or more damning sort of evil. It was awful, but I think most of us have recovered.
Whatever drove you to that place...I hope someday you can too.
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...So do I.
And - I hope you're right about that. More than anything else, really.
[About most of her victims having recovered. Disasters on the Barge aren't so much forgotten as just eclipsed, she knows that, and even though Silent Hill seems to have caused most of the freshest wounds that doesn't mean the marks of what she's done have healed or disappeared.]
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That's most of what I wanted to say, I think. And that I'd like to be your friend, if you want one.
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[Is she awake right now? This feels surreal. She chokes out a laugh.]
I don't know that I'll be very good at it. I've never really...
[Had a friend for friendship's sake. She's had classmates, colleagues, with whom she's become friendly but she knew those friendships would only last as long as their other reasons to be acquainted. People just sort of forget her once they're done with her. Look at Jack.]
But I'd like to. Yes.
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Okay. That - that sounds good.
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That's what I told myself when I was trying to learn how to cook at university. I was still crap at it. And - yes. Who doesn't?
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No, no, cooking is complicated. It's kind of an art. Anything with sauces and simmering and complimentary flavors. But baking is easier.
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[It's work. Follow instructions, serve food, clean up, get out. It's not for her own benefit, it's just mechanically going through the motions.]
It's not the same.
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Have you got a favorite flavor? My warden keeps her kitchen pretty stocked these days.
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[It feels like something she used to know.]
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Oh! Lua Klein.
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